Hide0ut

I am your average, everyday, draw-here-and-there citizen of the world. But I have been drawing for a long time. Since 1992 til now...do the math.

I haven't had the time to devote to illustration like a professional would—still don't....If you wanted to know how much of an artist I am, I'm sorry to disappoint, but, there you have it. However, if you wanna have an idea ('cause I don't think you can know) who the person is, then keep reading.

• So, you wanna know about me? Let's see....

I work a part time job in an Amazon warehouse. The politically correct term for this type of work is called "industrial athletics", but its just a fancy way of saying "heavy manual labor". Thus, you can conclude I'm in pretty good shape. Ah, but, physical health is only part of one's complete health and I will tell you that having been diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder since 2012 (or so) and enduring numerous hospitalizations, and frequent follow up doctor's appointments for that as well as for my social anxiety and depression has been pretty rough. Anti-psychotics do ugly things to your body, thinking processes, and mood—while not even completely controlling the condition it's intended to manage....yeah.

So, having to do heavy physical work coupled with constant mood and mental struggles, I stay pretty tired all the time—and overwhelmed. But the fun doesn't stop there....

• So, you wanna know about my life? Hmm, how to put this....

It is a non-stop rollercoaster, baby. And that sounds fun to you doesn't it (butihaterollercoasters)... Get this: I have a family to support. And you say, "but working is how you supp—" holdupwaitaminuterightthere, NO. Let me finish...

I have a mom who scraped from my very first memory til now to support my older brother and I and—after many years of higher education between caring for us, her children, and work—was awarded a teaching job only to be bullied out of it through the politics in the school system and left with a mortgage to pay because she just simply wanted a house for herself and her family. You think I'm gonna standby and let all that come to naught? I don't think so.

I have an older brother who, right out of highschool, volunteered his services to the army portion of the military and—after the nerve gas portion of his bootcamp training—was given a medical discharge right before the time statues that would qualify him for military medical benefits due to having seizures. Do you know how hard it is to go from being perfectly healthy one day and then be slammed with a potentially life-threatening condition that practically strips you of your independence like that? 'Cause I do. Do you comprehend the feeling of your freedom being taken away from you because of the thought of possibly never being able to legally own and drive a car? I don't, but there was a point for me where it was a fear. Do you understand how hard it is to adjust to and the cumulative effects to your body you have to live with because of the medication? I do. So, now, do you think I'm gonna stand by while this government's military throws my brother face first into a ditch and then let him stay down there? I don't think so.

I have a soon to be 9 yr old nephew who, from infancy, has had to deal with the same epileptic condition as his dad. On top of hindered motor control of the left side of his body due to a traumatic head injury that occurred during his infancy. And, what's more, we've only just become privy to the touch of autism he has due to his recent assessment as having Asperger's. Once again, let me break this down: do you know what it's like to try and feel your way through a world where your temperament just....isn't welcome? Do you know how confusing and frustrating that is for a little child? Do you know how it feels to not be able to run as fast as the other kids? Or read and spell and write as well as the other kids? Or speak as clearly as the other kids? And don't even let me get started on his mom, who only sees him as a paycheck. And he has to be traded back and forth between his mom and dad? Do you think that, in a world where—as a person of color—you already have to work three times as hard just to keep up, I'm just going to leave this to the wind? And stand by to let his mom get a hold of him so that she can basically feed on his flesh and then throw his bones to the wolves when his time has come? I. Don't. Think so.

• So, what does this all have to do with my day to day life?

Okay. Let me paint a word picture for you:

On top of the 9to5. Rearing a child who lashes out on us his frustrations with the cards life has dealt him. Trying to manage a household and transport everyone in it with only one vehicle. This is transportation for docotor's appointments for my nephew, my bro, and me—which my nephew has them twice weekly. On top of getting my bro to his own job and his son to school during my off time from my own job. The volunteer work for my church and my nephew's school which is required for him being qualified to attend his special school. And while I'm at it let's factor in random medical emergencies in the family; cars breaking down, or destroyed in accidents, or stolen; jobs being lost due to disabilities; court custody battles; paying for lawyers—do you dig what I'm getting at?

So, for me to just leave things at "I support a family" doesn't even begin to help you comprehend what I might even possibly be having to deal with unless I break it down for you.

• Awww *bats eyes coyly* did you think I lived a charmed life?

Why? Heh....'Cause I live in good ol' 'Murica?

I'm giving it to you straight, I'm not gonna paint happy rainbows as the picture of my life 'cause when you really sit down and think about what dimension a rainbow has and you begin to wonder "does it even have a dimension?" I am living in 4D, baby. (no, seriously, the 4th dimension has H•W•L•[time] ask Doc from Back to the Future )

Sorry it's not so fabulous but, there you have it. As they say, " c'est la vie "

[insert picture of Sailor V]

• So is my life just a big ol' sob story?

Can't say right now.

It depends on how it ends and that part of it isn't written yet. So, that pretty much depends on me. And, right now, I wanna tell you "no".... but I don't know the future. But I will tell you this so far... Not a day of my life have I been with no roof over my head, no bed to lay my head on, clothes on my back, or food in my belly. Not one.

For some ten years we've held on to this house.... despite it all. And probably for the past half year, the threat of losing it has been no where in sight. My brother has managed to accept and adjust to his situation. I can even say he's obtained a measure of his own mobile independence, through the bus system and a bicycle and his own God given two legs. My nephew is still with us and he's already started 3rd grade at his year round school. He's reading and writing now. And my mom? She's retired. But the retired life isn't for a person with as much energy as she has. Me? With research and lifestyle changes, I'm off medication. And my intention is to maintain healthy eating, exercise, and stress management so that I can keep it that way.

So basically, you tell me? 'Cause I maintain my original statement: "I don't know." Don't need to....I'm not worried about that. I'm not here to try and impress.